Unzipped. More like Undone. That's what this feels like. I feel undone. Every hour or so my mood swings like a pendulum. I can go from lightness to total blackness in a NY nano-second. That's probably the hardest thing for me and those around me. No one including me knows which mood I'm in or about to get knocked out of. Kind of like the book we read in high school, Lisa Bright and Dark.
This is Fluff, peaceful or postal. Knowing and accepting reality is like swallowing the bitterest pill. If I could just hang onto one feeling and proceed from that the days would have a rhythm that would carry me through. Instead, there's a cacophony of emotions, and a beating of drums in my head that does nothing but interrupt my thoughts and actions. Spasms of action and hardest of all spasms of grief. Ok , so that's the heavy part.
On a lighter note, I feel pretty good in the midst of preparing my farewell. There's so much to do, finish and loose ends to tie up that I don't have lots of time to sit and brood. Mostly, at night I find myself going over the near and distant past or first thing when I awake. But the bulk of each day is spent finishing orders , taking care of tons of details and trying to get everything in order for the end of July. To that end I am slowly and steadily moving.
There will be a certain degree of fallout , but that is a fact of life. Not every package will be tied with a pretty bow, but I will do my best to do my best. Wish me luck.
Richard Diebenkorn, Cityscape #1, 1963
12 hours ago