Saturday, January 17, 2009

Defining ones' self by who one is and not what.



For the past 7 years , I've been caught in a web of feeling what I am is who I am. My work is a direct reflection of my worth as a person. Riding high, then all is fine in the jungle. Sucking wind and I'm the poster child for Losers. This situation has been one that I've been physically, emotionally and mentally unable to make sense of. Totally at a loss to find myself, Fluff,within this morass of details,dilemmas and dyspepsia. Self reflection, analysis and feel good remedies have been helpful channels but at the end of the day, I haven't been very good at separating me from my work.

Now with the fashion business going through such drastic changes, it's almost been an un -asked for blessing. A strange sort of answered prayer. Business isn't particularly good. Design is not the focus of the public , the stores or anyone else. So the thing that defined me , that made the sun shine or the storm clouds open, suddenly did something very unexpected: It stopped time. For some this would set off alarms and flashing emergency lights. Well, it did the same for me, but in the end of the day I had an epiphany. I'm not my work. I'm ok ,even if the work suffers.

Whenever something unplanned happened I would take it as a statement on my own personal self worth. If I had an amazing coup, then I was a winner. If I had a rejection or overdrew the account and couldn't cover all the bills, then I was the lowest of the low. I had this ingrained idea that I was responsible, culpable and guilty of any and everything that came down the pike. That pike didn't have to belong to me, but still I felt responsible. This all goes back to childhood like most troublesome conditions. There's nothing new about that turf for any of us.

Looking at it now, and looking back on me then, I see how selfish and self absorbed I've been. That is not something I'm proud of , but it helps explain what was at work . The point of my sharing this with you is that good things keep coming from this bad thing we're all going through. It's forcing me to grow up....rather late in life, but it's never too late to grow.

Not everyday is a picnic, nor will it ever be. I just try to remember that when the shit hits the fan, I can give myself permission to duck. You can too!

5 comments:

Rara said...

thanks, fluff. it's good to hear, i think we all do that sometimes. Made me realize that as well, and made me feel better.

christa weil said...

It sucks when other people get you wrong, but it's part of being in the game instead of on the sidelines. Leonardo da Vinci hit the dirt countless times, but he's still playing, baby
. . . and his naysayers? Who?????

Anonymous said...

hey just sayin' hi? how are you? happy xmas new year and everything!!
octopus
octopus-in-the-waist.blogspot.com

WildGoddess said...

Fluff,
I just read your entry and it resonates deeply with me. Isn't it interesting when an epiphany can be so simple, yet so profound?

Another one: looking outside one's self to others for self-definition and/or self-approval. I have to watch myself all time with this one!

This Time Now said...

I have moved back to Asia, I have decided to concern myself only with becoming the woman that I want to be, this has nothing to do with a title or how much money I have in the bank or in my purse.
I've only recently discovered your blog and I find it truly inspiring, quite soulful. Something about it is helping me become more me. Thank you.